First Year. 11022012. ♥

The title says it all. A year with him has past. This relationship by far has not been the easiest i should say. Many wonderful times, many heartaches too. haha. Oh well, guys will always be guys, and we girls will have to be patient. You can have the most perfect relationship, a guy that just gives off that perfect image when he's with you, but you'll never know if that is really THE him. Flaws makes a person greater, and it makes him greatest, when he's not afraid to show his flaws. I accept him for who he is although it hurts me at times, but that is exactly how human beings are. If you can't accept someone for who they are, than it's best you live your life in denial, cause no one's perfect. So what if people say that he don't deserve me, i know i deserve him, and well, we're truly, madly, deeply in love for god sake, so i don't care what people want to say.
Many more wonderful years with this adorable guy. I just love him that much, that i can't really say anything anymore. Let's just let the pictures do the talking. And briefly, we spent our year doing wonderful things at Sentosa. hehe. Jewel Cable Car, Luge & Skyride plus the breathtaking Songs Of The Seas show. :D ♥

P.S: Okay, he's too adorable that stupid photos of him makes me smile. haha. :p I hope you enjoyed today, cause i enjoyed it very much with you by my side. :)) ♥
Happy Anniversary Luqman Hakim. ^^

Why do people enter lives and leave as and when they wish...

I'm here again. Still here. My fingers are itching to update this place of mine. So, it's the weekends, and as usual, i seem to have no plans or life. Except a life as a student. If that is anywhere near interesting. Anyway, again, i'm drowning in projects, and it's only JANUARY. Mind that! Gosh, it feels like i've had school for a couple of months already. But however, school has been somewhat easy, except for the direct punch of assignments and projects on the very first day of school. I don't want to rant about school. I. Don't. Want.


I'm angry at myself for many things. Something's bothering me. And i really don't know why i should be bothered about it. Sometimes, life is just unfair. It puts you rotating in a wheel. A huge wheel or a small wheel. One that just never stops spinning with you just holding to a spot for your dear life. At times, it spins and brings you to the climax of it. Where you see all the wonderful walks of life, and just HAPPY. But at times, you're just down there, getting drenched in the dirty puddles, just waiting for someone to pick you up and say, 'Life is full of challenges, but you gotta be strong and climb back up there.' I'm gonna be Twenty this year. Yes. T.W.E.N.T.Y. The thought of it knocks me right in my brain. My fantasy of getting engaged at 21 seems to be just 2 years from now. I'm so minah kahwin-kahwin, and it's this aspect of life that you can never predict or foresee. And hence, it only stays as plans, with no guarantee...


I don't know why but i can never stop myself from responding to him. I wished i had strength to be oblivious and push him as far as possible. But somehow, he is my greatest weakness. I get weak to my knees when something's about him just pops up, what more himself popping up again. I don't want him to be the reason again for my dilemma. He may be the man of my dreams. The one i see to propose me like in my fantasy dream of getting engaged at 21, but he just isn't the one that would make me forget someone like him. It's complicated but, i believe, if it wasn't for my boyfriend, the only guy who managed to snatched me out of my buried sorrow, i'd have lived in a lifeless doll's body till this day. Always in a daze. 


I'm just afraid, one day...
I don't know why that incident keeps playing in my head. I don't want him to feel that his stay aren't worth it. And goes finding another one. Like as if i'm not his guaranteed girlfriend. Or maybe, i'm just thinking too much. Reasons and reasons. Always afraid, insecure.
But no doubts, i love him like crazy that i think i am nuts. 

Everything

Tried so hard to hold back tears. Long rides really makes things worst. I don’t even know why I took 403 and sat for a whole loop journey home. I guess I needed the time alone to reflect. My phone lost its signal, and I’m left to read those last few texts without being able to reply and how those one line of such a tone could make me feel so downturned.  I knew i said the wrong thing. And if i could, i would give everything to him. Yes, everything. In fact i gave my all. But it's getting back to me, if it is worth it all these things i do for him. I'm afraid, one day, my existence seems to just be a need, not for love. I never hoped to meet him today. In fact I try so hard to forget the negative imprint I have awhile back. I chose to accept and forget, but now, I feel this cold distance. A silent cold barrier created slowly. I didn’t mind when he had plans today, cause my instinct told me we won’t meet anyway. But must he reply me in such a tone that makes me blame myself for the abrupt change of behaviour. The tone like as if I’m just another stranger just hurts me so bad. I never wanted to hurt him by my reluctance. It’s me wanting not to hurt this and that, but I gotta take the hurt in return. I guess it is fair for me, cause my only wish for him is to be happy. Even if it means I’m silently crying soothing my own insecurities. Used to prioritise me, but it seems to fade. I don’t want to meet him if he doesn’t feel the need for me to be around him. I’m happy as long as he is. I have to accept that at times, I’m just a stranger in this silent coldness. If ever one day, it occurred that he’s struggling to return what seems to fade to me, I’ll be willing to release him from the feeling of being obliged to love someone like me.

Or maybe it’s all just me.

I can’t even wait to go and change and freshen up, cause I just feel horrible inside and I just need to pen it down somewhere.

This got me thinking tho. Perhaps, it's just a girl's thing to overthink. *sigh*

Hiba

I thought of blogging in malay, but my expressions seems so formal in malay. It'll be so sajak-ish that it doesn't sound from my heart. Honestly, I'm feeling at my worst for the moment. I don't know why I'm very affected with my brother's result. I'm really sad and hampa and sedih and pilu and hiba and just everything. :"(
I really wanted him to go polytechnic upon receiving his O Levels. I wish he made it. I honestly feel that i've let this family down. I really regret not helping my brother when he needed me to guide him. I was so busy with my own school that i didn't have time to tutor him. I thought he would be fine on his own. I really wished that one of my siblings will just do well in life, especially my 17 year old brother. He's the only hope for this family cause i know my second brother is not gifted in the academics area. He is special in his own way, and i'm just happy he is doing well in Northlight School. And now, seeing my little sister so laid back and heck care in her studies just makes me more worried. What if she ends up not getting a place in Secondary School too because of her weak maths? I want to teach, but i myself have limited time to tutor them. I hate the fact that i'm going to be a teacher and yet i can't even teach my own siblings and make them cleverer. I really fail as a sister. And as a daughter, i'm trying so hard to help this family. But it just never seems enough.
I'm not myself these days and always caught up in a daze. Everything irritates me and makes me upset. The slightest joke made by boyfriend also can make this heart ache. Sometimes i just need someone to be nice to me and always so soft towards me. Someone who just shows that they care alot like i do. I've been teased alot. I've been mocked alot. I just want someone, anyone, to be nice to me, especially at times like this where i wish i could rewind time and undo many things that i failed to do. I'm just this fragile girl that needs so much more than just unintentional words that hurt minimally.

A Whole New Year

It's a quarter of January gone now.
Tomorrow will be the first day of school for me. (Okay i sound like a primary one kid with the 'first day of school' haha)
But so yea, it is going to be my first day of my second semester tomorrow. :)
I'm pretty excited actually, although i'm getting all the jitters. Honestly, i don't know why i'm nervous. It's not like my first year in NIE. It's my 3rd freaking year already!
I'm enjoying every bit of my years in NIE, although it gets kinda stressful with many overlapping projects and assignments. haha. Maybe because i'm paid to study. One of the motivations. Heh. But, but, but, it is afterall my dream future. To teach those cute children. :))

Anyway, the start of my new year was pretty awesome. I spent my New Year's Eve with my bestfriend at Siloso Beach, and if you guys are wondering, why the hell i was there, that's cause Ryna got a pair of free entry. So yea, my virgin experience in a countdown party. I seriously confess that i felt real bad going there at first, because people were just half-naked there. haha. And like all sorts of people were there. And i must say, how my first experience has already got me attracting few guys there. LOL! (Sorry boyfriend, i misbehaved a little, but it wasn't my intention. I was just loving the attention i got for the moment. I really thank god for my protective parents. Because if not, with my appearance, i'm for sure gonna get drown in the dark side...)
But nothing went further then usual. Happened there, and stayed there. Overall, it was an awesome night, i felt like a minah. HAHAHA. wtf. Okay moving on.... I AM STILL THE GIRL EVERYONE KNOWS. NAIVE, SIMPLE, POLITE and SWEET. (cheh!)
But honestly, partying is so not me. Having to wear skimpy clothes for attention is just temporary. You might attract people, loads of them, but eventually, what they see is what they want. And yes, in skimpy clothes, guys only want ONE thing. To get all over you. So i'm pretty sure, you wouldn't want a man who only craves to sleep with you and love you for your body.

Enough said, i wanna start fresh. Do well in my second semester, cause i wasn't impressed with my first sem's result. :( Pretty disappointed. But no worries, i'm gonna focus more this year. No more fooling around and not studying properly. #newyearsresolution

Nonetheless, i wish, 2012 will be a good year for me. A smooth-sailing one, with family, love and career. ♥

& yes, still with this irritating idiot. :p 34 days to our FIRST YEAR. I'm just happy to have gone through this much/long with him. He makes me cry and then makes me laugh. People always whispered we'll never stay through, but you know something, i'm proving them wrong, cause you're perfect for me. :) ♥